The best of the good clean jokes harvest house

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THE BEST OF THE GOOD CLEAN JOKES Copyright ? 1989 by Harvest House Publishers Published by Harvest House Publishers Eugene, Oregon 97402 ISBN 978-0-7369-5243-9 (pbk.) ISBN 978-0-7369-5244-6 (eBook) All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means--electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other--except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America

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Aches and Pains I've got so many aches and pains that if a new one

comes today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Adam Sam: My daddy has Washington's sword and Lin-

coln's hat. Bill: My father has an Adam's apple.

Eve: Adam, do you love me? Adam: Who else?

African Chieftain An African chieftain flew to the United States to

visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

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One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises--"Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z"--and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises--"Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z"--and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z--from the shortwave radio."

Agnostic Q. What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an

agnostic, and a dyslexic? A. Someone who's up all night wondering if there

is a dog.

Agreement You can easily play a joke on a man who likes to

argue--agree with him.

Airlines A good-sized man approached the ticket counter at

United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los

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Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was already filled with baggage and passengers.

"How much do you weigh, sir?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Allowance Son to father: About my allowance, Pop. It's fallen

below the national average for teenagers.

Amen The new Army recruit was given guard duty at two

a.m. He did his best for a while, but about four a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and then looked upward and reverently said, "Amen."

Amputated Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Which do you want first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What is the good news? Doctor: Your other leg doesn't need to be ampu-

tated after all.

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Anger

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between annoyance, anger, and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father pulled out his phone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There's no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch..."

The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" he asked.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there's no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He again dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

Another Doctor, Please

Looking down at a sick man, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. "I feel that I should tell you that you

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